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I had a splinter once it eventually got out of hand. If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion. How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise) What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks! My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!” When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent! How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator! Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict! What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large! What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller! What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck! Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills. Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division. Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything! I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase." What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen! What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all. When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
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I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out. I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it! What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree! What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.Ī cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.Īfter the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"ĭo you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The shovel was a ground breaking invention.Ī scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."Ī Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."ĭid you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison. What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems. and pulled a mussel.ĭo you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time. Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long! Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
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What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.